Literally, the year of 2013 has taken a bite out of me! Being now at my heaviest weight (outside of pregnancy), I find myself defeated, discouraged, and disgusted. Having gained 15 lbs since August and still gaining weekly if not daily, I am having to take a step outside of my body and look at what is really going on. For years, I have blamed it on the winter blues (I am a fair weather sunshine kinda gal -yet I live in Oregon) but I cant help to think that it may just be me.
See, I too have peaks and valleys although sometimes I feel like those peaks are way to high to reach and those valleys are far too deep to climb out of. Right now, I am in one of those super deep valleys, fitness wise at least, and I have an anchor tied to my ankles. Mentally & emotionally I am steadily climbing towards that peak thank goodness! My body looks like I am well over 3 months pregnant, have a tumor in my stomach and ass, or my body is secretly forming into a whale. Neither of these are wanted or appreciated. My ankles have turned in to cankles, my “fat” jeans are now too small for me, and my boots barely squeeze over my calves. Never, has my body taken this much shape!
Every winter, I go into hibernation and I stop working out, eat a little less healthy, and gain 5 lbs. Once the sun starts to shine, I wake up and get right back into the swing of things. And every year, I tell myself I will NEVER do that again. Because we all know how hard it is to get started again! But yet again, January 2014, here I am AGAIN but in the worst “shape” of my life EVER! And its a very round shape. OK, so maybe I am being a little hard on myself but lets face it, either I am getting old at the ripe age of 32 or something is really not normal. How is it that year after year I can follow the same patterns and then suddenly this year my body decides to take on a new shape?
The question is, what do I do about it? Isn’t the answer obvious? Yes workout and eat better, but easier said then done when after only working out for 3 days, I have a gained 1 lb daily. Watch out, we might tip the scales! I mean really, cant I just get a break? So what, I’m only 3 days in and I’m gaining muscle! I want to see results and I want to see them now. My “fat” jeans are about ready to burst at the seams and I’m tired of living in leggings. As comfy as they are, they are bursting at the seams too. My pocket book cant afford another wardrobe change. I got rid of my post pregnancy clothes years ago, because I promised myself I wouldn’t EVER get that big again! Well looks like the joke is on me folks.
In all seriousness, HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! And that problem is me! I became lazy, complacent, and proud. I forgot how easy it was to lose sight of my goals. I have coached many people on this aspect alone yet somehow I let it happen to myself. Maybe this was one of those more difficult life lessons we must learn. My Beachbody coach and friend asked me the other day what I thought it was that put me into this mode every year? I have yet to answer her because I didn’t have the usual answer this time. I was told several times throughout this year that I was lacking compassion and quite frankly I can see now that was true. I lacked compassion for other peoples journeys and situations because I was getting so wrapped up in my own journey.
This winter has been a journey of its own for me in many different ways. I have learned a lot about who I am as a person and what I am “portraying” to others. Lacking compassion, unfit and overweight, and un-supportive are things I have portrayed BUT things I am surely NOT! This year of 2014 is about digging deeper and making what matters to me MATTER! Its time to wake up, smell the coffee, and show people the real me.
Can you relate?